


Ralof lemme smash

by kavonovak



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Crack, M/M, becky lemme smash, but only to be robbed and be like 'wtf?' respectively, lemme smash, shitpost fic, ulfric and galmar are here very briefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-04 05:46:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10984605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kavonovak/pseuds/kavonovak
Summary: Armando wants to smash, Ralof doesn't. Especially in the location that Armand has chosen.





	Ralof lemme smash

"'Scuse me." Armando muttered as he walked past a guard outside of the Palace of the Kings. Armand was in a hurry, for he was on a mission.

A mission to smash Ralof.

But before they could smash, Armando needed to find as much blue as he can to impress his stormcloak soldier love. And what better source of blue than the Palace of the Kings!

"I need this." He whispered as he pickpocketed a guard of his uniform.

"This too." He continued, pickpocketing Jarl Ulfric's clothes off of him. They weren't very blue, but Armand thought they would make a nice decoration.

"Need more blue." He mumbled, stripping off the uniform of another unsuspecting guard.

While snooping around one of the upstairs rooms, Armando came across some charcoal and paper. Which he also swiped. "I'll write him a fuck note."

After much more thieving of the palace's blue, Armand took off. "Later, fools."

"The fuck..." Was all Galmar could utter when he entered the throne room a moment later and saw his jarl, curiously missing his clothes. He was even more confused when he looked the other way to see that the guards were missing their uniforms. At that point, he decided to just turn around and head back into his room.

Back in Riverwood, Armando went to work organizing all his blue by the riverbank outside of town. "This is gonna be good." He said to himself.

As night came, Armando decided it was time to fetch Ralof, who was relaxing on the porch at the inn. "Hey, Ralof."

"What is it, Armando?" Ralof called back.

"Get your ass down here."

"No Armando."

The nord-imperial man jumped in a fit. "Get down here hoe."

"Oh, fine." He rolled his eyes as he walked. "What is it?"

"Check out all my blue." Armando said, beaming. Ralof would definitely want to smash now! "Now lemme smash?"

"Ugh." Ralof sighed, putting his hand to his forehead. "I told you I don't want to smash."

"You want some fuck? Strut." He struck a pose. How scandalous!

"You don't even have a tent. What if someone catches us?" The nord rebuked.

"Wut?" Armando was shocked for a moment, but soon had a new plan. He grabbed the reins of the horse he had taken from someone earlier. "I got you a horse."

"My sister's house and the inn are within walking distance."

Armando was now sad. And desperate. _'He doesn't want a horse.'_ He thought, letting go of the horse's reins. "I'll pay you, please." He begged, holding a very full coin purse in his hand.

"No, Armando."

"Peck." Armando dropped the coin purse on the ground. It's contents spilling, but no one noticed. "G'day, cunt." He murmured.

"What?"

"Ralof lemme smash."

**Author's Note:**

> This is possibly the stupidest thing I will write I am so sorry.
> 
> Here's the video this is based on: https://vtt.tumblr.com/tumblr_okwvntF8Sl1w2wpe8.mp4#_=_
> 
> Also, Ralof and Armando's relationship isn't like this in my game. They're married, in fact (I play the game on PC, so I got a mod where you can marry Ralof).


End file.
